#draco crackfic

[iamnmbr3]

can u imagine if harry had been sorted into slytherin

6th year would've been insane

Draco: *gets up in the night for a drink of water*

Harry: oh. fancy meeting you here by the water jug at 2 o'clock in the morning. :)

Draco would've cracked after a month and been like 'FINE. FINE! Want to see my Dark Mark? HERE! Happy? Can I take a shower by myself in peace now?'

[liliansilverstuff]

“She felt her walls start to flutter as her first orgasm as a married woman came crashing down upon her like waves when you really eat it while surfing. And he was eating it, alright.”

-favorite line of crack smut I’ve ever written. from Here’s the Deal

[misscrawfords]

Dramione Month 18: Pride and Prejudice

For once, it was quiet in the sitting room at Grimmauld Place. Hermione had taken advantage of the interlude to curl up with an old friend of a book and hope it would distract her from whatever might be going on outside of their safe house.

She had only read a chapter, however, when the peace was shattered as Harry and Malfoy apparated directly in front of her and brushed themselves down, only stopping their bickering when they saw she was there.

“Everything okay?” she queried Harry, studiously ignoring the recent unwelcome addition to the Resistance.

“No change,” he confirmed. “You and Ginny still on for the late shift?”

“Of course.”

“Right.” He hesitated a moment then turned to Malfoy. “You want a drink?”

Malfoy shook his head and collapsed into an armchair, closing his eyes. Harry hovered a moment before shrugging. “Suit yourself, I’m getting coffee.” He left the room.

Hermione gazed at Malfoy a moment to see if he would make any effort to acknowledge her but he did not open his eyes. In fact, he looked exhausted and Hermione bit back a snide comment and picked up her book again.

She read several paragraphs before she was assailed by the prickling feeling of being watched. She lowered the book and saw that Malfoy, still sprawled in the armchair, had opened his eyes a slit and was observing her in a particularly cat-like way.

“What?”

“Pride and Prejudice?” he murmured.

She glanced at the book cover, surprised he had been able to read the title from that distance. “Yes, it’s a novel by-”

“Jane Austen. Yes, I know what Pride and Prejudice is.”

“You do? But she’s a muggle!”

“I’m not a bloody philistine, Granger.”

Hermione blinked. “I’m surprised you know what a philistine is,” she remarked snootily, recovering quickly.

“Careful, too many distressing revelations in one day can be bad for your health.” He pushed himself up into a sitting position and looked at her with more focus.

“Shut up, Malfoy.”

“Pointed, clever, subtle, devastating. You really know how to wound a man.”

She rolled her eyes. “I do, actually.” She turned a page ostentatiously before she had finished it. “So, what do you know about Jane Austen anyway?”

“Is this is a test, Granger? Loathe as I am to suspend any pleasure of yours, I’d rather not.”

Something in his turn of phrase made her frown but she could not place it. “Have you even read any of her novels?”

“All six.”

Hermione looked up. “You’re joking.”

“Not at all. There’s a very charming nineteenth century illustrated wizarding edition at the Manor. I’ve read all of them at least twice.”

She cocked her head at him. “A nineteenth century – illustrated? So the pictures-”

It was his turn to roll his eyes. “Move. Yes, Merlin, Granger, that’s what magical pictures do.”

“Oh.” Hermione had to sit with this. She did not want to wish to go to Malfoy Manor in pursuit of a complete set of magical Jane Austen novels. But she also did not not want to do that. She pursued a different tack. “But why do you have them? I didn’t think you’d read muggle novels.”

Malfoy smiled somewhat wearily. “Perhaps you don’t know me as well as you think you do, Granger. Austen may be a muggle but she’s highly relatable if you were brought up in a pureblood wizarding household. Just replace social class with blood status.”

“So what does that make me, the muggle-born? Some kind of servant?”

“No.” He thought about it while Hermione observed him sceptically, waiting for the insult. “Something middle class. In trade perhaps like the Gardiners. Not as bad as being a muggle but still not really acceptable to my family’s kind.”

There it was.

“Not really acceptable… Good to know. Thanks for that! And what does that make you – Mr. Darcy?” she added with a mocking sneer.

“Something like that,” he replied with a grin, quick as a flash.

“Ugh, you’re repulsive.” She raised the book to block him from view and for a moment she thought it had actually worked until he plucked it right out of her hand and stared down his nose at her.

Hermione opened her mouth but for the second time that evening something about him and the way he was looking at her arrested her.

“That’s what she thought too,” he said when he had fully gained her attention. Then, after holding her gaze a moment longer, he turned away, yawned into his hand and stated that he would have a coffee after all before leaving the room without a backward glance.

Hermione was left disturbed, the foundations of her preconceptions rattled.

[mintzez-world]

I think that maybe if given the right circumstance and time and place. Ginny and Draco would make great friends.

Like if all the stars aligned perfectly there’d be great.

[greaseonmymouth]

I saw this shared around on Threads (why do I go there, I hate it) and commented on as 'this article is so good' and 'must read' including by a few people whose opinion I normally respect, and seeing as monsterfucking and monster everything is like a special little interest for me, I of course instantly clicked through to read it

and I have to say

what the everloving heterosexual fuck is this

two fat paragraphs about omegaverse that don't even mention its origins - I mean - I just - gaze upon this phrase, and despair:

During estrous, Omegas’ vaginas ooze with “slick,” responding to the Alpha’s intoxicating pheromonal perfume.

IT'S CALLED "SLICK" BECAUSE IT'S FROM SELF-LUBRICATING ANUSES. THE REASON THE OMEGAS NEED SELF-LUBRICATING ANUSES TO BEGIN WITH IS BECAUSE THEY DON'T HAVE VAGINAS.

I. have been rendered figuratively speechless. the straights don't know what slick is. the. i. how. how did we end up like this

their dicks swell at the base, creating a “knot,” which lodges them inextricably in the Omega’s slick-soaked (I am so sorry) vagina.

"(I am so sorry)" girl you're writing an article about monster smut and then you have the gall to be embarrassed by the this tame ass (or should i say vagina?) heterosexual omegaverse?

okay, okay. deep breaths. we've only just got started. we started by covering Morning Glory Milking Farm, a minotaur/human erotic romance novel, which well - I've read it, and it's not a bad book by any means, it was actually very very good, a solid story with a great cast and perfectly paced and satisfying romance and loads of sex - is very straight. it's just a minotaur. it's a big guy with a big dick. it's your standard gentle giant/normal sized girl romance. it's not very freaky, but you know, I don't blame the average reader for coming into this thinking this is some out there stuff. gotta start somewhere, right? we didn't all come up through draco/the giant squid crackfic in 2005, you know? and now we've covered Sarah J Maas and we're entering omegaverse territory, this is getting knottier now, right, freakier? this article is going somewhere, right?

you can imagine the intrigue, enemies-to-lovers, and other story lines involved as each captured female eventually finds the member of the barbarian tribe who is destined to worship and fuck the living daylights out of her for the rest of their lives. Oh, and their dicks have a sensitive spur on top designed for clitoral stimulation. It’s just as blue and velvety as the rest of their big alien bodies.

okay so the minotaurs aliens are blue now, i guess.

It seems, also, like the romance genre as a whole is being pushed by monster romance to make things in human-human books as freaky as possible.

ohh?? are we finally getting a proper freak on now??

This genre, “why choose?” or “MMF” (or sometimes even MMMF or MMFM), and also known as “reverse harem,” always features a heroine who is showered with sexual attention by men who are also sexually involved with each other.

having a thousand yard stare moment over here

this author seriously thinks that all these heterofied monster romance tropes are paving the way for the real freaky stuff that is, checks notes, "two hockey players fucking each other while the heroine calls the shots"

this author is positing that human queer erotica/romance are freakier than monster erotica/romance. like. she said that. with her whole chest. black on white.

on one hand a monster, an inhuman being, and on the other, a queer person, a human being. and apparently the real freak is not the minotaur or the blue alien. it is the queer human.

is this satire? it has to be, right?

because if it's not satire, this article is an entire case study in itself on the monstering* of queer people. stunning.

*academic term

[bitterkarella]

Midnight Pals: Shedding

[mysterious circle of robed figures] JK Rowling: hello children Rowling: i have terrible, bone-chilling newsss Rowling: did you know that india willoughby exisssstsss? Rowling: thiss makess me ssso mad

Rowling: i know you're all ussed to me being ssubtle Rowling: you know, talking about womensss ssafety and all that Rowling: but i'm done with that Rowling: now i enter endgame

Rowling: tonight my rage ssshall fuel my final transssformation Rowling: tonight i sshed my ssskin for the lassst time Rowling: gone will be the resspectable normie lib ssspotted patterning Rowling: henceforth i shall wear banded patterning [puts on arm band]

Rowling: now i sshed my ssskin and obsserve my transformation to full blood purity fascism Helen Joyce: but dark lord! it's too obvious! Joyce: what if the rubes notice? Rowling: just point to that old "wear whatever you want" post and pretend i meant it

Rowling: i'll be right back, gonna go shed a sskin Rowling: now before i leave one lasst directive Rowling: you lot don't do anything ssilly while i'm gone Rowling: you know, anything that would make our entire causse look dumb or anything Joyce: you can count on us, dark lord!

[Rowling exits] Joyce: so Joyce: anyone wanna hear this new fan fic i've been working on Jesse Singal: when does mommy get back

Joyce: so Joyce: so my story has draco/hermione otp, noncon, dubcon, cuckolding, underage, lemon, coffeeshop au, crackfic Kathleen Stock: noooo helen! don't read fanfic! don't you know fanfic turns you trans? Joyce: sorry its a risk i have to take Joyce: for science

Joyce: look, i'm going to scientifically prove that fanfiction turns you trans Joyce: luckily i'm built of stronger stuff Joyce: the rest of you just plug your ears Stock: what about you, helen? Joyce: lash me to the mast

Stock: i've been writing a fan fic too Stock: it's about the love between the Unknown, an evil choclatier who lives in the walls, and this mysteriously sexy lady oompa loompa who everybody loves who is named Stathleen Kock [permaberry, leaking juice, enjoyment, enemies to lovers]

Rowling: ok i'm back Helen Joyce: dark lord! how does it feel to shed your lib skin of plausible deniability to don your extremely online skin of blood purity? Rowling: i feel sstrong! powerful! like a new ssnake! Rowling: i feel like i can sssay Rowling: ALL THE SSSLURSS!!!

Rowling: tinktonk! cricklecrack! boofnoggin! i can sssay them all!!! Rowling: no now mudblood can ssstand in my way! Rowling: doess india willoughby still exissst? Joyce: yes dark lord! Rowling: [coiling in rage] the cheek!!!! the audacity!!!

Rowling: ugh, look at india willoughby, performing feminine joy! Rowling: womanhood isn't about joy! Rowling: true femininity is being miserable all the time, posting and also being banned from seeing your grandchildren

[nimrochan]

I write comedy fanfiction to keep my brain sane and stave off the everyday depression that clouds my mind like an endless stormy day :)))))

Chapter 9 of my Sorcerer's Stone parody is up.

Summary: Harry and Co. go for a delightful midnight walk in the woods that is totally normal and NOT full of cryptids and genitalia.

I updated my Harry Potter Parody!

Summary:

Harry Potter has it made. He gets to live in a house, he eats food sometimes, and he's had at least one visit to the optometrist in his entire life. Everything changed one day when a mysterious letter arrives to rudely suggest he is some kind of freak. Subsequently, he finds out that someone out there is trying to murder him. He is only eleven years old.

[thiefbird]

E, n, u for the letters ask please! 🖖

E - Have you added anything cracky/hilarious to your fandom? If so, what?

Yes, but not recently! These were back in early early high school. I wrote a very short, very bad Draco Malfoy/Apple(as in the fruit) fic once. I hope to god it has been lost to time. I will not tell anyone what my fanfiction dot net username was. I also wrote a Doctor Who/Supernatural/Sherlock/X Files/Star Trek: The Original Series/Warehouse 13/The Yellow Submarine(not Beatles RPF because the only character was Jeremy Hillary Boob, PhD aka The Nowhere Man)/Invader Zim crackfic extravaganza in collab with @gabrielnovakgoestomyschool (there may have been another fandom that I forgot). I do not know if it has survived the passage of time. I almost hope it did. They were all in this incredibly Escher-esque grocery store trying to get milk. I guess recently I accidentally wrote "Loghain Mac Tit" instead of "Loghain Mac Tir" when starting a post, took one look at it, and just posted it without further elaboration. I don't know if anyone ELSE thought it was funny, but I definitely did.

N - Name three things you wish you saw more or in your main fandom (or a fandom of choice).

U - Three favorite characters from three different fandoms, and why they’re your favorites.

Anders - I love an underdog, I love a revolutionary, I love a pathetic tall man who looks like he hasn't slept in a month, I love a man who will make Those Sounds when he kisses me. Also he loves cats and complaining; same, Anders. More seriously, I think he's a deeply misunderstood character by both those around him in canon, by his writing team and Bioware as a whole, and by the general fandom(not any of my beloved mutuals, we are all in the Right About Anders club); despite this, I do think he is a cohesive character. I just don't necessarily think that he is a cohesive character on purpose. I love the implications of his bonding with Justice, and the avenues it opens up for writing. I fully believe that Anders believes that he corrupted Justice into Vengeance, and that Vengeance is a demon; I just don't believe it's true.

Stephen Maturin - Ohhh, Stephen, my beloved. Patrick O'Brian cooked you up in a lab specifically to make me insane (nevermind the fact that I was three years old when he died) - mine is a fated obsession, to the point that I actually had a crazy-dramatic, toxic relationship with an autistic Trinity College naturalist for four and a half years directly out of high school; my brain simply had not fully learned that Stephen Maturin existed (I'd seen the movie once or twice and listened to the soundtrack ad nauseum because of my mother but never payed much attention), and fixated on the next best thing. Here is my Stephen Maturin propaganda: He's a tiny, angry little man who calls animals and friends and his wife alike "honey" and "my dear" and "acushla/a chuisle" (I will never forget the "awwwwwwww" that came from my mouth the one time he called Tom Pullings honey). He calls his best friend "soul" and "joy", and his other best friend "honey-bun". He's an International Super Spy, one of the most effective in the British service, and refuses to be paid for it because he hates tyranny so much (he does not like English colonialism either, but he has decided that England is the best way to beat Napoleon). He's an Irish and Catalan revolutionary (I did say I love a revolutionary), who is somewhat in hiding in the first book because of his associations with The Society of United Irishmen, and therefore connections to the Irish Uprising of 1798. Despite this impressive resume, this man has never met a boat or ship he is not in danger of not falling out of - he has been at sea for the better part of twenty years by the end of the series, and he still must be Carefully Watched to make sure he does not drown, or get soaked through to the skin. He is an acclaimed surgeon, with a miraculous success rate. He is also a renowned natural philosopher who has discovered multiple species, including a giant tortoise. He is the least tidy or fastidious man in all of creation, and is constantly covered in blood and/or winestains and/or crumbs. He pours alcohol over surgical sites not because he knows of germ theory, but because he thinks it'll help with pain. The only non-familial friend he's had longer than Jack Aubrey(who lives longer than the first book. Sorry James, ily) is Adhemar de la Mothe, a known and flamboyantly queer Parisian. He regularly says that he does not see the harm in sodomy so long as no one is harassing the ship's boys, and that anything that adds more love to the world seems a good thing. He loses his mind over a woman, and the more awful she is to him the more he loses it.

Speaking of Diana Villiers - Oh, Diana. I am fully in understanding with Stephen over you. A beautiful, headstrong woman who can ride better than most men, stuck in the most boring atmosphere of Southern England with her aunt and cousins after the death of her husband and her father both made her leave India - I cannot blame her for many of her actions. Diana is a fascinating character, and to me she is proof of Patrick O'Brian's writing ability. Most authors of Men Go To War books don't really seem to know how to write women very well (C.S. Forester I am looking at you. I do not know who Maria is outside of her fawning over Hornblower), but Diana is a fully fledged person from the moment we meet her setting her horse over a gate, despite the fact that we never see any of the events of the twenty books through her eyes. Not only is she a fully realised character, but she is one that shows his understanding of the setting he writes in. Diana Villiers is coping with grief - not only grief for her husband and her father, but for her independence. Her life in India, keeping house for her father from her mid-teens, would have been almost as different as one can imagine from the life of a poor relation take in on charity by a widowed aunt. She feels stifled in the English countryside, forced to play second fiddle to her cousins in order to keep the peace and a roof over her head. I cannot blame her for toying with men's hearts as a source of entertainment. Going into keeping with Canning is Diana's attempt to regain at least some measure of independence, and it is successful, to some extent. She has money, she is back in a country she finds familiar and exciting - but she also has a jealous, suspicious lover who employs their servants as spies to watch her activities, and little company because she is herself a scandal. Stephen's proposal offers her a way out of her situation; it also, to her, seems like a loss of freedom, not only because Stephen loves her, but also because she loves him, and that terrifies her. So she instead runs away with Johnson to America. Johnson, of course, is worse than Canning, and she leaves him temporarily, but then her freedom in England is threatened, again, this time by suspicions of intelligence work (I always wonder just how she got tied up so tightly in Mrs Wogan's subterfuge; did Johnson have something to do with it?), and surprise! Johnson is there to whisk her away from the danger. But he's worse still, and Stephen manages to intervene(yay Stephen) and get her away and back to Europe. This just keeps happening. Diana wants something that is almost entirely impossible for a woman in the period she lives in: liberty. Anything that could interfere with her freedom and independence is avoided at any cost - even her own feelings for Stephen. Especially her feelings for Stephen. She also, to me as someone with BPD/cPTSD now pretty well in remission, reads as a very empathetic and accurate portrayal of someone with BPD/cPTSD. Personally I think Being A Woman In The Late 1700s is enough reason on its own to have it(and we don't know enough of Diana's life before the Peace of Amiens to speculate on other Sources Of Trauma other than the death of her husband and father), but a lot of her hot-and-cold feels so familiar to me. She can be so cruel, and mean it fully in the moment she's saying it, but almost immediately regret her cruelty while still doubling down because she feels she has no other options.

Wow. This got really long. I hope everyone enjoys my Aubreyad Opinions Of The Day

[dobbydore]

recommend me some harry potter fic rec accounts to follow pls?

hi! I’m new to tumblr and was wondering if anyone could please recommend some Harry Potter fanfic recommendation tumblr pages that I should follow? And any other cool HP fan accounts that are recommended for meta essays, fanart, fanvids and edits, and other interesting Harry Potter fanfiction, character, & plot analysis, etc?

Stuff I like to read about: gen fics, friendship fics, action/adventure stories, Romione, Ron-centric, Hinny, Canon-compliant and canon divergent AU stories, Ron/Pansy, other Ron/Slytherin pairings, all Ron rare pairs, Dramione, dark fics, horror, tragedy, angst, humor, crackfics, Dark AUs and Voldemort Wins AUs, dark character AUs, alternate house sorting AUs, Harry-centric, Dursley-centric, rare pairings, post-war, time-travel, dimension-travel, slice-of-life, redemption fics, Weasley family centric, stories about Percy, Ginny, Petunia, Sirius, Dumbledore, Pettigrew, Tonks, house elves, Tom Riddle, stories about any Hogwarts students, teachers, or ghosts, Draco/Ron, Ron/Harry, Pansy/Neville, Pansy/Percy, Draco/Pansy, OC fics, Dead Dove fics, etc.

I’m basically open to pretty much any kind of fic rec actually! But I’d prefer to avoid Weasley/Dumbledore bashing stories and Harry/Hermione fics unless they’re different from the usual type of story in those categories.

I’d love recommendations for tumblr pages that post about those kind of fics or fanart or any fests or masterlist pages! So far the pages that I know of are: ao3feed-harryginny ao3feed-romione ao3feed-rarry ao3feed-jily , jilyarchive, and dramioneasks. Are there any more tumblr pages like this for all the other characters and pairings out there?

[sitp-recs]

omg hello I hope ur having a good day. do u read crackfics or humor and if so do u have any favorites? I enjoy ur recs so I'm kinda 😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️😶‍🌫️ Trying To See

Hi there! I hope your day is going well too 😊 I don’t read crack-ish fics often but I definitely have some favourites! I hope you enjoy these as much as I did:

Receipts by @moonflower-rose (M, 2k)

Pansy and Ginny have made a stupid wager and Draco may be the one who comes away a winner.

Never Gonna Give You Up by InnerLilith (E, 5k)

Five times Harry rickrolls Draco and one time Draco gets him back.

The Full Monty by @magpiefngrl (E, 10k)

Harry poses for a naked Auror calendar and Draco goes batshit crazy with lust.

Per my last letter (I hope you choke on it) by @fluxweeed and @lastontheboat (T, 10k)

Or: the one where Harry has writer’s block and Malfoy isn’t helping.

Aural Gratification by birdsofshore (E, 11k)

Harry's not gay – he just likes listening to exciting stories about Aurors. It's not his fault that the narrator's voice is so smooth, so expressive... and really rather hot. Check the podfic by agentmoppet here!

Title of Their Sex Tape by Cibee (T, 12k)

What are the Wizarding world's most elite law enforcers doing when they aren't catching criminals? It seems Auror Malfoy is often caught throwing food into Auror Potter's mouth when he's mid-yawn.

Crash (Into Me) by @sweet-s0rr0w (T, 14k)

Harry’s done plenty of ridiculous things for charity over the years, but Robards’ latest scheme really takes the biscuit. Or rather, the teacake.

you look so fine by michi_thekiller (E, 16k)

In which Draco is a Veela and Harry is his mate. Dark!Humor or Crack!Horror, you decide.

Draco Malfoy: Toilet Supremo by who_la_hoop (T, 26k)

It must be a vision brought on by eating cheese sarnies too close to bedtime, Harry thinks. There's no way that Draco Malfoy can really be standing on his doorstep, calling himself a Toilet Supremo, and expecting Harry to buy not only this unlikeliest of scenarios, but also a new loo.

Little Red Courgette by @blamebrampton (T, 31k)

When this season's purple courgettes are woefully thin, Draco Malfoy thinks it amounts to small beans. Next thing he knows, the Department of Standards is over-run with leeks, Brussels sprouts all sorts of legislative difficulties, and somebody appears to have put a roquette under Harry Potter. Can Draco seize a marrow victory? Or will his plans for peas be squashed?

The Four Ds of Apparition (or: Destination, Determination, Deliberation, and Dicks) by @eidheann and @firethesound (E, 36k)

After transferring to the Apparition Department, Harry's life becomes one big dick joke. And all his friends are arseholes. So is Malfoy, but what else is new? AKA Harry Potter and the eighteen twenty dicks.

Bite Me, Hate Memes by pir8fancier (E, 44k)

Draco Malfoy is incensed to realize that someone is trying to usurp his position as the premier Harry Potter hater.

The Liars Department by @dorthyanndrarry (T, 103k)

This is a story about Harry meeting up with Draco Malfoy four years after the war. And a story about Harry, well, not hating his job per say, but it's not like he has much to compare it to and it seemed fine. His whole life seemed fine. Then Malfoy came along with and his flashy suits and fast car making everything seem dull in comparison, and Harry... Harry couldn't just leave well enough alone.

[iamnmbr3]

Hello I want to ask is the House of Black the only Ancient and Noble house? I mean aren't the other houses in the sacred 28 part of ancient and noble house since their families have been existing from the beginning?

I mean how is it that the house of black are considered ancient and noble?

First off, I must say this absolutely reads like a question that sirius would "innocently" ask at christmas dinner knowing full well it is guaranteed to have all of his most loathed relatives at each other's throats in approximately 5 minutes at most. (And now I need someone to write that crackfic).

As for the actual answer, I think it's probably partly the Black's being pretentious, and partly the fact that they are especially "pure" due to marrying within the family more than some Houses do (though less than the Gaunts) and being especially powerful and influential and wealthy (because let's be real - none of the purebloods would be very impressed by the Gaunts, no matter how pure their lineage is, due to the abject poverty they live in and their utter lack of influence or high society manners). Furthermore I personally headcanons the Blacks as being established in Britain very early - much earlier than some "newer" Sacred 28 families like the Malfoys. But that's pure headcanon.

I mean. Clearly there's a pecking order among the Sacred 28. Draco, a Black and a Malfoy, from two hugely influential, and hugely wealthy (and those things are probably not disconnected) families is clearly destined to be much higher in that pecking order than Thorfinn Rowle or Caractacus Burke could hope to be for example.

[queenofonions]

Friday Night at the Cackling Cat

The Hogwarts gang gathered at the Cackling Cat wizard pub most Friday nights.

Prompt from FB page Hermione's Nook. Heard of Cards Against Humanity? Well, Harry Potter-ize it, then make a crackfic out of it and here we are! This was my prompt - I don't know how cracky it is, but I hope you enjoy:

The Hogwarts gang gathered at the Cackling Cat wizard pub most Friday nights, crowded around a long table at the back.

Going anti-clockwise around the table sat George, Seamus and Dean, Pansy, then Blaise and Luna. Up the other side were Ron and Hermione, Harry, Draco, and finally Ginny and Neville.

They were usually a lively bunch, though tonight their merriment was slightly muted by the bad news Neville just delivered.

"The Quibbler rejected my story about Dumbledore entering a Gandalf the Grey lookalike contest." Neville sighed into his pint, then took a large gulp.

"But you got it straight from the man himself," Dean objected. "Well, his portrait, anyway."

The group turned toward Luna, sipping on her Bloody Mary.

She nodded. "Daddy thought your article was well written and very amusing, they just had too many submissions of that same story. Apparently, once his beard was long enough it became a kind of hobby for him to enter those contests."

"Like his knitting!" Harry chimed in and Luna pointed at him with the celery stick from her drink in confirmation before wiping it off and sticking it behind one ear.

The table gave a collective "Ahhh!" at the explanation and turned back to Neville.

He shrugged and nodded, but still looked so forlorn Ginny grabbed his face and kissed both cheeks, which made him laugh. The mood lifted considerably and they all laughed along as Ginny nudged him repeatedly in the side with her elbow. He made as if to tickle her and she jumped away, bumping into Draco and sending his nose into the foam of his beer.

He swore viciously, glaring over his shoulder at the snickering redhead, who had taken the opportunity to leap into Neville's lap and cling to him in mock fear.

Neville held her to him firmly with one hand at her waist and waved a butter knife at the Slytherin with the other, prompting mournful cries of "Mercy, O Mighty Snake Killer!" from Blaise and Pansy and bows of reverence from the Gryffindors on the other side of the table.

Draco rolled his eyes at them all, wiping his face. Harry reached over and rubbed a broad thumb over the top of his lip. Stunned, Draco watched him lick the alcohol from his thumb and felt his pulse start to pound. Harry winked and Draco felt his loins tighten in response. He schooled his expression and raised a haughty brow, which only made Harry grin and drink deeply of his beer to get his own foamy lip then raise a brow in clear challenge.

Neither of them noticed the table go quiet, eyes darting back and forth between them as if as a tennis match.

Draco narrowed his eyes and pinched Harry's chin between his thumb and finger to hold him still and swooped down to lick the foam from Harry's lip with a long stroke of his tongue. He lifted his head to check Harry's reaction and felt rather smug when the Chosen One only blinked through glazed-over eyes.

Which lasted mere seconds as Harry surged up to plant a great sucking kiss on his mouth, knocking the breath from Draco's lungs and the pint from his hand, which Ginny caught handily, raising it in victory as the table erupted in cheers and groans. Again, neither of them noticed the money changing hands from the bets made on when they would finally get a clue, too busy snogging each other silly.

Pansy held up her winnings and declared the next round on her and basked extravagantly in the waves of kisses being blown her way. Soon, everyone had a fresh drink of their choice and Seamus picked up an earlier thread of conversation.

"Shouldn't they be havin' lookalike Dumbledore contests now? Who fuckin' cares about Glandorf whatshisname, anyway?"

"Oh, but they do over in Leeds!" a passing barmaid piped up behind him. "Every Friday in August at the Dove & Dragon! A nice long beard and those twinkling eyes, you'd be a shoe-in, love!" She ran her finger along his jaw and bopped his nose before bouncing away. Seamus watched her go with hearts in his eyes.

George thumped the table, making several glasses and their owners jump. "That's an idea! We can have of of those at Wheezes, judge some Harry Potter lookalikes to promote our new line of enchanted action figures! Give one away as top prize. What do ya say, Harry?"

Finally coming up for air from Draco's kisses, Harry pointed at George and gave an emphatic "NO! No, no, never again!" then clamped his hand over his mouth at what he just revealed.

The table, as one, perked up and focused on him like a pack of hunting dogs on a scent.

George's grin was sly, "Again?" The rest of the group also made inquiring noises, including Draco and Harry refused to look at him.

Hermione, sitting to his left and sucking down the last of her third strawberry daiquiri, started to giggle the way she did when she was more than halfway pissed and Harry knew she was seconds away from spilling everything.

Harry put his head in his hands. "Fuck."

Ron looked between his best friend and his fiancee, confused, "What? What'd he do? And why don't I know what he did??"

Hermione leaned back against him and waved her empty glass wildly toward the despondent Harry; the tiny umbrella flew out and bounced off his head onto the table where Luna snatched it up and put it behind her other ear.

"Oh Ron it was the best thing! The best most perfectly awful thing I ever saw in my life! Oh Harry!" Hermione's giggles cut off with a snort and she slapped her hand over her face and began hissing behind it.

"Oh God," Harry groaned.

"Come now, Potter," the deep voice of Blaise beckoned. "Confess your sins and we shall be merciful." Harry didn't have to look to know Zabini had a wicked grin on his face.

Several voices began to whisper-chant Confess Confess Confess; Harry whimpered pitifully.

"Did our Golden Boy impersonate himself at a Harry Potter look alike contest?" Pansy purred from behind her martini.

"He didn't! You didn't!" Ron gasped over at his friend.

"HE DID!" Hermione sang out with drunken glee.

"Why on earth--?" Ron started but Hermione cut him off.

"He bet me." She placed her daiquiri glass down on table with the exaggerated care of the slightly soused. "Said my bill on reforming the werewolf statute wouldn't go through. MY bill!"

Shaking heads and tsking sounds followed in admonishment for such folly.

"Why on earth--?" Ron started again in reaction to that statement, this time interrupted by George.

"Nevermind all that! The contest, Potter, spill it!"

Harry just shook his head against his hands. Hermione pushed against his shoulder with rather more force than she intended, almost sending him into Draco's lap, which he wouldn't have minded except for how Draco chuckled under his breath at him. He glared at both of them. They both ignored him. He threw back his firewhiskey and raised his hand to signal for another.

The contest, Hermione cheerfully explained in slightly slurred speech, was held in Hogsmeade at the Three Broomsticks, with several kids and adults dressed up as the Hero of the Wizarding World. As part of losing the bet, Harry had to make his best effort, so he put on his old Quidditch uniform and carried his Firebolt.

Then they had a round of trivia questions to single out the most knowledgeable and reward the top three that answered the most correctly.

"So what did you win, Harry?" Luna inquired sweetly, shaking more Tobasco sauce into her fresh drink.

Harry mumbled into his hands.

"What was that?" Seamus put his hand to his ear and leaned over the table, grinning widely.

Harry sighed, cleared his throat, and spoke up, "I didn't. I placed third."

The table erupted in gasps of shock and shrieks of laughter. Harry rolled his eyes and thumped his head down on the table in shame.

Hermione fell against Ron in a fit of giggles, almost sending him off his chair. Her head landed in his lap, where she continued giggling into his crotch and Ron leaned back, unsure if he wanted to help her up or enjoy the moment.

Wolf whistles from the Dean/Seamus/George side of the table had him sticking two fingers up at them and pulling her back up into her chair, where she promptly tipped the other way and snorted with laughter against Harry's shoulder.

"How could you lose? YOU'RE THE REAL HARRY POTTER!" thundered George.

Harry sat up and threw up his hands. "That trivia game was ridiculous! They asked stupid things like what's Harry Potter's favorite dessert?"

"Treacle tart," the table answered as one.

Harry blinked, then shrugged. "Yeah, alright, but everyone knows that. Then it was all what's his favorite color? how does he eat his eggs? who was his first kiss? boxers or briefs? coffee or tea? On and on! And when I answered them, half the time they told me I was wrong. ME!"

"And you were beaten by two fake Harry Potters?" Ginny asked, reaching over for Pansy's discarded martini olives and popped them in her mouth.

"First place went to a fellow that thinks Harry wears briefs, likes coffee and poached eggs and that I was his first kiss!" Hermione paused and shared a grimace with Harry at the thought. "Must have committed every awful Rita Skeeter article to memory."

"And second?" Blaise prompted, his voice as deep and smooth as the red wine in his glass.

"Oh he was just the cutest thing!" Hermione cooed. "Little robe and teeny tiny Gryffindor tie, curly black hair and these plastic frames perched on his nose that kept going crooked. Waving his little wand at everything shouting Sparmoose! Sparmoose! How old was he again, Harry?" She pinched at his shirt and tugged.

Harry hung his head, "Two."

If it was possible to die of laughter, several of those gathered were well on their way. George was already on the floor rolling around like a madman. Dean and Seamus clung to each other to keep from falling out of their seats. Ginny and Pansy were slumped over the table, cry-laughing into their elbows.

Harry looked up at Draco, at his pursed mouth and twinkling silver eyes and shook a finger at him, "Don't you dare!"

Draco caught that finger, brought it to his mouth and nipped at the end. Harry stared at that mouth, suddenly feeling much better. He stood and pulled Draco up with him, then turned to address the table.

"You are all horrible people and I love you all. Except you." He bent down and pressed a kiss to Hermione's head. Hermione kissed her fingers at him in return and snuggled back against Ron, pulling his arms around her.

Ron winked at Harry over her curls. "'First to leave!'" he quoted, as per custom.

"'Last round on me!' Harry finished with a wink and pulled Draco out the door as his friends cheered behind him.

Please Like and Comment on AO3

(pen name Xedra on AO3)

Pssst! There are 3 more fics so far in this series!

[jadedandconfusedao3]

Getting to know you - Tag Game

Thank you for the tag @mugsdontlie!

Three ships: Dreomione (Theo/Draco/Hermione), NottjustHinny (Theo/Ginny/Harry) and moonseeker (Remus/Regulus). This was so tough. I love way too many ships.

First ship: Dramione. Manacled drew me in and spat me out and now here I am a year later trying to fit all the ships back into Pandora's box.

Last Song: 'Dog Days Are Over' by Florence and The Machine

Last Movie: Cloverfield. My husband writes a movie review column and he needed something shlocky.

Currently Reading: 'The Tempest' by Shakespeare

Currently Watching: I'm not really watching anything right now. I did recently binge "Daisy and the Six" though.

Last thing I wrote: Voldemorts origin story to my next big WIP "All Purebloods Must Die". I have to go back and edit it now.

Currently writing: "Bad Professor" my moonseeker, smily, drarry crackfic. It's a lot of fun and very ridiculous. Ok. I am going to tag @amethystheart2421, @saffrongin, @so-scarlett-maroon, @princessma1foy,

[shen-liqin]

Random idea:

So like this is a weirdass crossover idea but I got bored and though of Shen Yuan transmigrating into Harry Potter instead of Shen Qingqiu and having a romance with Draco Malfoy-

Only reason why I thought of this was because I remembered Shen Yuan mentioning the Harry Potter series during his rant about why they were using carriages instead of swords for transportation.

And because aside from bingqiu and moshang, I’ve also been focusing on drarry for a bit at the moment.

One thing led to another and with the assistance of chatgpt and weird prompts that appeared in my head, I have about 8000 or 10000 words worth of self-indulgent Shen Yuan x Draco Malfoy content.

Cant think of a ship name for them yet but I’ve fallen in love with it lol. Someone help me.

Bonus Content:

At present, The System isn’t included in this self-indulgent AU of mine so Shen Yuan doesn’t have any OOC restrictions or missions to complete. Leaning towards doing the same of Shang Qinghua but that’s subject to change.

Shen Yuan transmigrates into an 11 year old Harry Potter and ends up ranting in Mandarin for 30 minutes while in the cupboard under the stairs.

Shen Yuan as Harry Potter ends up in either Ravenclaw or Slytherin (leaning towards Slytherin for plot reasons at the moment)

Shen Yuan teaches Draco how to speak Mandarin over the course of their years at Hogwarts.

Shang Qinghua also ends up in here but right now I’m torn on who he’s gunna end up in (leaning towards Seamus Finnigan who ends up in Slytherin in this AU).

Shen Yuan as Harry Potter in this AU is someone that everyone finds kind if weird but fun to be around. His dorm mates get used to him suddenly cursing out shitty romance novels he somehow finds (he has a dealer in Hogsmeade lol). This happens either in English, Mandarin, or both.

This AU is a crackfic (not sure if I wanna make it crack taken seriously or not not gunna lie).

[dhr-ao3]

The Golden Apple

The Golden Apple https://ift.tt/jAiHCmL by Tiesnasia Eride Valeriani was a normal muggle who grew up in a world where there was not such a thing as muggles. Until one day she finds herself 26 years in the past, in another country, of another universe. Follow this unlikely heroine as she plays pretend as a Seer, puppeteers Death Eaters, somehow becomes friend with every unfriendly creature, bullies Draco and Hermione into a couple and annoys Severus Snape back to life! Words: 462, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence Categories: F/F, F/M, M/M Characters: Original Muggle Character(s), Original Female Character(s), Severus Snape, Hermione Granger, Draco Malfoy, Harry Potter, Ron Weasley, Ginny Weasley, Theodore Nott, Tom Riddle | Voldemort, Bellatrix Black Lestrange, Blaise Zabini, Slytherin Students, Pansy Parkinson, Nymphadora Tonks, Remus Lupin, Charlie Weasley Relationships: Severus Snape & Original Female Character(s), Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy, Lily Evans Potter & Severus Snape Additional Tags: I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Theo is a Little Shit, Dragons, Isekai, nice-washed snape, meddlesome oc, Time Travel, Reality Travel, Chemistry and Potions rivarly, Lesbian Pansy Parkinson, Surprise Pairing, Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, HEA, Abuse of Emdashes, Loss of Virginity, crackfic, the plot is being written as i sleep, i just like dragons, and making fun of HP plot holes, marriage law, Book 7: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, 8th year, Muggle Studies, oc was born in the 2000s, disrespect of authority, oc is italian because autor is italian and i know too many funny curses not to put them out there, trojan war parallels, Second Wizarding War with Voldemort (Harry Potter), Severus Snape is a Simp, Severus Snape is So Done, Setting things right, professors rivalry, BDSM, Dom/sub, main character is just a comedic relief side character, she still has to understand that she's mortal in this universe too, no beta we die like Regulus Black via AO3 works tagged 'Hermione Granger/Draco Malfoy' https://ift.tt/ZtcwlJG February 14, 2024 at 11:23PM

[indigo-scarf]

A rec list for the relationship between Draco and Myrtle. Whether romantic, platonic, or sexual, they're a great pairing for both angst and humour. Enjoy! 👻

Exceptionally Lonely by Arveldis (G, 2.2k) - 6th year. Draco is perfectly spiky-stressed-defensive, sassy Myrtle sees through his bullshit and calls him out, and their growing closer feels natural.

seal my heart and break my pride by Arveldis (G, 605) - 6th year. Explores how each person in Draco's life couldn't be a source of comfort at that time, but Myrtle could.

A Shoulder To Fall Through by eveningstruggle (E, 7.5k) - 6th year. Volatile Draco, sassy Myrtle, and ghost sex treated seriously.

Moaning by jedusaur (M, 1.2k) - Hilarious yet poignant reflections on Myrtle's age and a ghost's view of morality. Myrtle is just like me, getting off on hot Drarry sex.

Et la glace se brisa by Claire-de-plume (K, 629) - 6th year. Beautiful imagery, wordsmithing, and vibes.

Sozinha by Agata Ridlle (K, 205) - Myrtle's conflicted reflections on whether she wanted Draco to die.

A Verdade sobre o Malfoy e a Murta by Adriana Swan (K, 254) - 6th year. Beautifully angsty.

Confidante by smallestbird (G, 200) - 6th year. Short and angsty. I like the idea of Myrtle telling Draco funny stories.

More by lumosdrabbles (lumosatnight) (50) - 6th year. Short and angsty.

A Promise Kept by Anonymous (G, 222) - A happy ending, for once.

Mourning Myrtle by sophiethelocket (T, 1.6k) - A nicely written Myrtle study, featuring painfully unrequited Dryrtle.

The One Who Cared by summerlinde (K+, 1.5k) - 6th year. I really like the emeto part, and the ending is just the right amount of sweet for me.

Haunted and Alone by Kaelir of Lorien (K+, 2.9k) - 6th year. All the classic 6th year beats.

Together, Alone by archived_apostrophe (G, 1.1k) - 6th year. Draco trying to be aggressive, and Myrtle trying to be kind.

In the Arms of the Dead by Tathrin (K+, 3.5k) - 6th year. Quite a thorough exploration of Draco's many struggles throughout his life, many of which he confesses to Myrtle. I like the bitter and slightly bratty vibe.

Moaning Ghost by Witty_Whit (G, 435) - 5th year. A cute and funny piece where Myrtle has Draco wrapped around her finger.

Very Tragical Mirth by Quaggy (T, 878) - A truly inspired Shakespeare parody crackfic.